The Ashes Still Burn Brightly
Woes

"At least I’m learning about myself."

I’ve been saying that to myself for the last week as I’ve started sng someone who is polyamorous. I’ve never been polyamorous but I feel like I can’t necessarily love just one person, so this has been an adventure into testing it out. Obviously I haven’t gotten any practical experience with it yet as I’ve only seen this woman once or twice.

The hardest thing for me has been her lack of communication. To begin with I thought she was unimpressed with me, but she eventually got back to me a couple days later. Fast forward to today and the last I’ve heard from her is Sunday. I know for a fact she’s super busy, but usually I was assuming she was at the Center which is a no cellphone zone, but I’ve been there on my own for different parties every night of the week so far, and haven’t seen her once. Doesn’t mean she isn’t there… could be in the library working or something, but it’s disheartening.

I think the biggest thing that I’ve learned is that I apparently do hold a little bit of jealousy in my heart. It’s not a “gerrof my woman!” jealously as I don’t think of her as my woman (yet). I think it’s completely possible to have the “my woman” feeling and still be polyamorous, but I suppose we’ll see. I think it’s more jealousy of attention and time. I’m not used to someone needing to budget their time between 3 men. But it makes total sense as to her silence this week if she had been planning on see her boyfriends. If I were in multiple relationships currently, I wouldn’t want to be disturbed by any of the other women I see while I’m with one in particular.

We’ll see what happens.

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prochoicetruth:

I was inspired to post this because of the submission about the girl who aborted her child with Tay-Sachs. I wish I could have been so lucky.

My husband Alan and I found out that I was pregnant in late April of 2009. This was a complete accident. Due to the fact that we were both Tay-Sachs…

blacklapelcc:

“Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.” - George Bernard Shaw

blacklapelcc:

“Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.” - George Bernard Shaw

Some people just have an ineffable ability to be ragingly gorgeous despite being plain in the face. Those people who reek of charisma. What is the definition of charisma? Sex. Drugs. Alcohol. Life. Visceral. Real.

What happened to all the real people in this world? We are all just walking billboards of the people we seen on TV and in movies. We inherit their charisma. Does that make it any less genuine? Or is it still that golden connection that we each develop with each other? Love is never really that sweet. Hope is never really that optimistic. I’m never really that happy. WE’RE never really that happy. No one is ever real.

The World is Shallow

It’s fascinating to analyze how I live my life. There are so many threads running through my head of HOW I should live my life. There’s the fashionable, classic man. There’s the financially stable, economical entrepeuner/investor. There’s the gamer. There’s the lady’s man. I guess I dip into each thread now and then to get a different feel from life. When it comes down to it though, I think most of that is just a lie I tell myself to feel better about life. Here’s how I’d like to be:

-The kind of person that sits down with a pot of tea after work and reads a book

-The person who cooks dinner every night, creating something tasty and awesome

-The financially stable individual, and also the economical individual. I want to have enough base money to be able to do things on a whim or cover emergencies. But I think I also need to focus on being more laidback about using money to do things for myself, rather than paying for services all the time.

-The individual that takes care of himself. I’ve already got hygiene down (for the last 20 years) but getting down to a reasonable weight would be fantastic. Stopping other toxic habits.

-The individual who has it together. Is well read. Well listened. And well liked.

-The author.

-The programmer. (But mostly the author)

Will writing this out fix the problem? No. But it will probably help. For now I have to work on focusing at work. After that, I can handle the rest as it comes. At the very least, I think I’m requiring 2 hours of reading each day from now on. This will help me focus during the day while my mind processes things and will also sate some of my creative need. I think that will eventually snowball into other productive habits.

Occasionally I realize that I am very abstracted from my own life. I cruise along pretending that I know what the fuck I’m doing, but 90% of the time I’m really just confused, and running “top level commands” only. When this realization hits me, it’s like the weight of the world weighs down on my shoulders. The epiphany comes forcefully, often, and it seems that all of the emotions that areminecome to the surface and smack me in the face. It’s so easy to cruise along on top ignoring the way I feel. To replace my real emotions with programmed emotions that are given to me by some outward force. The closest thing I can liken the feeling to is jumping into ice cold water, thinking that it’s luke warm. The revelation that the water really is fucking cold produces the same feeling as the revelation that my emotions aren’t my own.

In retrospect, this would be exactly why I have so much trouble being open with people. It’s because I don’t actually touch, feel, or know how I feel as an individual entity. My life is a symphony of other people’s emotions reflected on to me. Am I a highly sensitive person? It seems so. Sensitive usually indicates about someone that they are very in touch with their emotions. I think it can also be very in touch with other people’s emotions. Being in touch with your emotions and being in touch with other people’s emotions is necessarily mutually exclusive. Some people can’t be both.

Rage

I hate it when people do things without thinking first. I hate that I get frustrated about simple things, but I simply can’t NOT get frustrated if I feel like someone has been inconsiderate, inefficient (at work) or just plain stupid. I’ve determined that rage manifests me by making my neck ache, generating a lot of energy that I usually burn off by perpetual motion of my legs, a shortness with loud noises and people pestering me about anything at all, and an inability to focus. It just gets me so pissed off! Sometimes I just want to punch something. Hard. Preferably the wall or a punching bag.

I hate it when I’m waiting to hear back from someone on Skype, and one of my many friends that types a million chat entries a second keeps talking to me even after I’ve clearly stated that I’m busy and not interested in what they’re talking about. The first few times, it’s not so bad, but every time after that people JUST KEEP TALKING. WHY ARE THEY TALKING. Every time that little ‘1’ pops up on the skype system tray icon, it makes me think that the person I WANT to hear from is talking, just to open it an find that it is someone else who I feel like I’ve already ended a conversation with continuing to talk. MAYBE it’s the people that I want to talk to that decide the same thing I do about the people who annoy me, and have stopped talking so the conversation ends. MAYBE they’re also waiting for someone they care about to continue a conversation. But that context isn’t mine. I can be as needy in my mind as I fucking want to be and no one can judge me, reject me, or call me a creep. So fuck all that shit and noise. Now I just want to take a fucking nap, but I can’t, because I’m at work. And I have to not get fired, so I can keep making money, so that I can go further into debt, and become increasingly HAPPIER, and HAPPIER, because my government corporations wants me to be so happy that I ignore all the things wrong with my life. Preferably happy by purchasing their products.

fuckyeahcouragewolf:

you are wasting your damn life.
You are BLESSED with your OWN life, something you get to claim and no one else.
You have this amazing gift of the human body, capable of running, jumping, swimming, crushing, fucking, WHATEVER.
You are abusing it and wasting it as you laze around all day.
GET THE FUCK UP
Start excercising everyday. Cardio to burn the fat off of that godly body waiting for you underneath, smothered flab. Work out, lift weights to get the muscle.
Cut that shit right out of your fucking diet. Food=Fuel; Nutritious=Delicious.
You were given this body, make it the BEST you fucking can.
worship it.
Push yourself until you can´t go any farther. This is HARD and you want to give up, but you aren’t like those other pieces of shit walking this planet.
You are diferent, you can make it possible.
You can push past your limits and improve yourself and FUCKING BREATHE in and out the oxygen that continues to pump your body up to you LIVE, live more and more each fucking day.
You are worth so fucking much, but you’re covering up all that worth by stuffing your face and make yourself feel like shit.
IF YOU SAY YOU HAVE THE WILL POWER, THEN, LIKE MAGIC, YOU DO

fuckyeahcouragewolf:

you are wasting your damn life.

You are BLESSED with your OWN life, something you get to claim and no one else.

You have this amazing gift of the human body, capable of running, jumping, swimming, crushing, fucking, WHATEVER.

You are abusing it and wasting it as you laze around all day.

GET THE FUCK UP

Start excercising everyday. Cardio to burn the fat off of that godly body waiting for you underneath, smothered flab. Work out, lift weights to get the muscle.

Cut that shit right out of your fucking diet. Food=Fuel; Nutritious=Delicious.

You were given this body, make it the BEST you fucking can.

worship it.

Push yourself until you can´t go any farther. This is HARD and you want to give up, but you aren’t like those other pieces of shit walking this planet.

You are diferent, you can make it possible.

You can push past your limits and improve yourself and FUCKING BREATHE in and out the oxygen that continues to pump your body up to you LIVE, live more and more each fucking day.

You are worth so fucking much, but you’re covering up all that worth by stuffing your face and make yourself feel like shit.

IF YOU SAY YOU HAVE THE WILL POWER, THEN, LIKE MAGIC, YOU DO